Kaiju Crack Chronicles: Ep1 The Fangirl Menace
by Lord-Kaiju
Summary: When Yaoi Fangirls kidnapped well known characters for their yaoi pleasures, a Spartan, A Vampire, A dead Detective, A Ton of Aliens, 2 Predators, A jedi robot, and The Lord of Kaiju are our last hope to stop them and save Hetero....God bless those Morons
1. Meet The Morons

The Kaiju-CRACK Chronicles

A moment ago in a mind far far away from normal...

* * *

Outside Rain-Forrest Island Fortress

Scar: "GRID!! Come back here You ugly son of bitch so I can kill you!!

Grid: "I like to see you try...Vagina Face!!"

Scar: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Grid: You heard me, Vagina face...

Scar: I gonna Fing kill you, you dick headed Ugly Mother Fucker

-Shots a plasma bolt-

Grid dodges and manages to dodge all other plasma bolts as they make craters in the walls and floors

A Predalien in Halo 3 brute Chieftain armor watches from a high vantage point as it watches as the other alien runs around like a headless chicken dodging Predator Plasma bolts.

X'erberus(He's the Predalien): Hey Grid! What you do this time? Put your head in his mouth?!

-snicker-

Grid:"Shut the fuck up Dick-tongue!!" -While dodging another plasma bolt"

X'erberus: SHUT UP!! I have enough issues you know!

Grid: "Yeah, like carrying a giant hammer and raping people's mouthes with your tongue?!"

X'erberus:...ass hole...

-Scar shots another bolt intent on killing Grid-

* * *

Grid: -crouch jumps out of the way and hinds behind a rock-

On top of the fortress

Kaiju: "yawn, please tell me thats Grid and Scar...Again?!

Wolf: "Yeah, unfortunately..."

Kaiju: -Takes sip of Pepsi- "What happened this time?!"

Wolf: "They had...'that argument'...Again"

Kaiju: -Face-palm- ("Idiots") "I want you to settle this."

Wolf: "Me?! But...thats...impossible with those two..."

Kaiju: Impossible? No...Improbable? Yes, well you'll never find out if don't try now, won't you?"

Wolf: "Why don't you..." -Kaiju Cuts him off-

Kaiju: "Why don't I do it, You Ask?! Because I lead this fine realm and don't have time for this bull-shit!! and besides 'HE' will find away to attack us!

Wolf: "Like he put D.I.D. on your computer..."

Kaiju:-In utter denial- He did I Tell you! He did it to frame me!!

Wolf: -Ain't believing a word- Yeah, just admit it, we all know your...-snicker- Obsession.

Kaiju: -Embarrassed and pissed off- "You...Fing Ass Hole..."

Wolf: -realizing his error- "Hehe just kidding," -runs off to find Grid and Scar-

Kaiju:... (you better run)-phew- "Now that he's gone I can get back to my..."

-Looks at DID (and Some CID) on the computer

Front of Fortress

Scar and Grid were face to face Scar out of ammo, and grid tired out, were throwing insults at each other.

Grid: "Vagina Face!!"

Scar: "Dick Head!!"

Grid: "Vagina FACE!!"

Scar: "Dick HEAD!!"

X'erberus: "Hey get a room if you two want Oral Sex that badly!! XD"

Scar and Grid: "Shut the hell up Dick-Tongue!!"

X'erberus: -begins to cry-

Wolf:...-Invisible-...

-Wolf comes out of nowhere punches Scar in the stomach and sends grid through a wall-

Wolf: "Okay, this has gone on long enough, why can't we all just get along.?"

Scar: 'cough "NO" cough'

Grid: -walks out of the hole in wall- "The Vagina face is right, were not making goody two shoes until this feud is settled."

Wolf: "Let me guess..."

Grid: "Alien..."

Scar: "Predator..."

SFX Guy: Dun Dun DUN!!

Scar: "Wolf, your a fellow Pred, why don't you help me prove to this faceless dick head that we are superior to them?!"

Wolf: "No."

Scar:" Why?!"

Grid: "Ooh! Cuz he knows that we are truly superior to you vagina faces!?"

Wolf: "No,"

Grid and Scar: "Then Why?!"

Wolf: "because look at these examples."

Ex: 1 In all the "Alien" movies the xeno menace is almost always blown out of the airlock by Sigourney Weaver..

Ex.2 In all the "Pred" movies we always get our asses handed to us by The "Governator" and/or Danny Glover.

Ex. 3 in AvP and AvP: R both sides die and the government emerges victorious.

Wolf: "In all due reality humans are better than us!"

Grid:...

Scar:...

SFX Guy: 'Cricket sounds'

Wolf: "And I didn't realize how Ridiculous that sounded to this exact moment."

Wolf: "Nonetheless Kaiju wants you guys to stop."

* * *

Scar: "And if we dont?!"

The Very Next Day

Both grid and Scar are locked in a room with Hannah Montana Playing in the background.

Scar: "Make it stop!"

Grid: "Please MC!" Repent! Repent!"

In front of the fortress...again

A man in light green Mjolnir Mark-VI armor walks up to the door to the island fort.

John: "Hello! Is anyone hear?!"

Wolf (From behind the gate): Uhhh...Sorry we want no girl scout cookies...please go away before we sick the Fan-girls on you!"

John: "I'm sorry, but I have orders to retrieve a certain "Kaiju" from these premises.

Wolf: "Lord Kaiju?! Oh Chief, please tell me its not kidnapping charges."

John: Uhhhh...No I'm hear to retrieve him for a secret mission."

Wolf: "Oh good, I'd hate to find out he took his obsession the next level."

John: "Uhh...Obsession?"

Wolf: "Yeah, between you and me, I think he has a Fetish for bondage."

John:..."Uh Okay...nonetheless I did need him ASAP."

Wolf: "Sorry, I'd Love to help you bud, but Kaiju sees no one."

John: Okay, then I guess my organization will have to cut off the supplys running into the fort, which means no more bondage materials...

Grid, X'erberus and every other Xeno on the Island: WHAT!?

John: Big Guns...

Scar: WHAT?!

John: and Pepsi...

Kaiju: Kaiju Style: Kaiju Dynamic Entry!!

An Explosion is heard at the top of the fortress and Kaiju jumps down and Round house kicks Wolf in the face .

Kaiju: "Whoops! Sorry, wrong target."

Wolf:"Owouch..."

John: "OK, are you Kaiju?"

Kaiju: Ye...HOLY CRAP ITS MASTER CHEIF!! OUR GOD HAS RETURNED TO US!! -points at John-

John: (Damn Straight I'm God!)..."Uhhh...No I'm just another Spartan."

Kaiju: "Oh! Sorry about that, just you look like the spitting image of him."

John: -(Yeah cuz I am!) -phew- "Yeah I need you come with me on a matter of Inter-dimensional Security."

Kaiju: "OK!! what I do wrong this time?"

John: "Nothing."

Kaiju: Then why are you here?"

John: "Because we need your help"

SFX Guy: -Audience Laughs-

John: "That wasn't funny."

Kaiju: "yeah it is, what makes YOU think I'm coming with you!?"

John: Well other than taking away those 'Things' I said earlier, I will also have your Internet and power cut off."

Kaiju:Hmmmm...I'm still not convinced

John: -face palm- "Ok then, I Promise, if you come with me I will personally have my superiors give you..."

Kaiju: Give me what?

John: "Lets just say I know a couple of 'Interesting' shops in Europe that have...good...wrapping merchandise?

Grid and X'erberus-knows what he was referring to- : Drools

John: "Yeah( - got em now), also I know of a good underground shop in japan, that provides good sealing, so to speak?"

John: "So, Deal or no Deal?!"

-Spotlight focuses on Kaiju-

Kaiju: -Thinking-

Grid and X'erberus: Deal! Take the Deal!

John "Would you like to call a friend?"

Kaiju: 'Wrong show, moron..."

John: "Yeah, but you get my point."

-All Aliens Cheering on Kaiju to take the Deal-

Kaiju: "Deal! But I'm bringing Wolf, Grid, Scar and X'erberus with me."

Grid,Wolf,Scar and X'erberus: Huh?

* * *

Secret Base

?: "So do you think he'll come?"

??: "I'm not sure, I am only 98.97 percent sure he'll come."

?: "Only?"

??: "Yeah, although I'm almost positive he will come I still have take the possibility he won't."

?: "I See..."

??: "Now, the only to tell for certain, is if he comes here or John walks into here alone."

Here is Ch. 1 of easily the most fed fic i have ever concieved.

Kaiju is my self insert, who is uber powerful, i purposefully did that to make fun of most Gary Stue OC's

John (117) is in Canon ,Master Cheif, however these morons dont realize it.

Master Cheif is a GOD as you can tell

I will be ripping off Naruto,Fangirls,Bleach,Death Note,Godzilla,Hellsing, Yaoi and others just to name a few.(if i hadent already XP)

'HE' has a name and is a major villain in here.

As you can tell I like bondage...DEAL WITH IT!! Its better than Pron and Yaoi anyway...

? and ?? will be revealed next chapter.

? is Female and ?? has a sweet tooth

Please Review and tell me what you think


	2. L and the Chamber of retards

Previously on The KCC

--

Scar:" For the last time, I don't love you!"

Grid: "But I'm Pregnant with your child!"

Wolf: -hanging from a helicopter shooting at it-

Kaiju(to Grid): "Tell Scar not to start the Car!"

Car: -Starts then Explodes-

Wolf(In a lab coat): "I have never seen a virus reproduce this quickly..."

Kaiju: "I object your honor!"

X'erberus (runs in): "Guys! The President has just declared Nuclear War!"

* * *

SFX Guy: Dun Dun Dun!(Cues Law and Order theme)

Chapter 2: L and the Chamber of Retards

-John, Kaiju and the Moron Brigade are walking-

X'erberus: "Are we there yet?"

Wolf: "No."

X'erberus: "How about now?"

Wolf: "No..."

X'erberus: "Now?"

Wolf: "We're there when we get there!"

X'erberus:...Now?"

Wolf: -Anime style fall-

Kaiju(Completely Ignoring the peanut gallery): "So John, how are we going to get to This Inter Dimensional Base of yours?, like walkings going to get us to a Another Dimension"

John: "That." -points to a Stargate-

Kaiju: "Wow, and now were ripping off Stargate...I'm on a role"

Grid: "Dude, you just realized you broke the fourth wall, right?" (1)

Kaiju: "Ain't the first time...and it won't be the last."

-Arrives at The Stargate-

Stargate: -portal opens-

Scar: "No way I'm going through that thing!"

John: "How bad could it be, Kurt Russel was in a movie like this."

Scar: "Yeah and In South Park, he was raped to death by Christmas Critters." (2)

John: "...One little test won't hurt...any volunteers?"

SFX Guy: -Crickets-

Kaiju: "X'erberus, there some young girls in their..."

X'erberus: "Yays, Super Happy Mouth Rapey, Rape Tiem! W00t! W00t!"

-Runs in-

-Minutes pass-

Kaiju: "Well I think its safe to say, if any 'Christmas Critters' were in there, they all be dead by now."

Scar: "Can't Sleep, X-mas Critters will rape me."' -over and over-

-They all walk in-

X'erberus: "Hey! There's no girls here!" -Xeno Puppy dog face-

??: "Welcome, Please proceed down this hallway, its high time we met face to face hm?"

Kaiju: "Wait, I know that voice..."

Scar: -looks around- "Phew, No Christmas critters."

They all walk down the hallway until they arrive in a huge room.

??: Welcome Kaiju, Let me introduce myself..."

Kaiju: "Your L from Death Note."

Grid: "2nd time you broke it..."

L: " How do you know you don't even watch the Anime..."

Kaiju: "I read the Manga"

L: Ah,

Kaiju: "Light Pwns you."

L: -Anime style fall-(Why does he bring up what happens to me?)

Grid: "3rd time and counting..."

?: "So Gentleman L, this is Kaiju from which you speak of ?"

L:(Resumes his sitting position in the chair)"Hm..."

Kaiju: "Holy Crap its Integra from Helsing! What is this? a sort of Fictional Character Ice cream social?"

Grid: "The 4th time you broke the fourth wall."

Integra: "Since, you are already familiar with me, I will skip my introduction..."

X'erberus: "I'm not familiar with you."

Integra: -face palm- "Thats beside the point..."

L: " The point is...your help is needed to quell a disastrous threat to Anime."

Kaiju: "Is it those Fucking Blood sucking Nazi vampires again, It is isn't it?" My God, just when you thought you beat em they get right back up again!?FUCK!"

Grid: 5th...

Integra: "Wait a minute, you fought millennium?"

Kaiju: "Yeah why?"

Integra: How did you beat without massive loss in forces?"

Kaiju: "Well lets just say, those bastards have no sense in good music."

Integra: "Huh?"

L:-absent minded-

Kaiju: "Not one minute before those bastards attacked, we had a Guitar Hero tournament."

Flashback

* * *

In a Zeppelin

Major: "Yes! We have invaded Kaiju's HQ! We will achieve war and glorious victory!!

Elsewhere

Kaiju: "Alright! You all ready?"

Grid: Ready!

Scar: Ready!

Wolf: Ready!

Kaiju: "Lets start this thing off with American Idiot by Greenday shall we?"

Grid,Scar,Wolf: "Alright!"

Kaiju: "Is it hooked so the entire base can hear us rock?"

Grid: "Yup!"

Kaiju: "Let me hear it!"

The Zeppelin

Random Nazi Vampire: "Major! We have intercepted an incredibly beaty message, do you want us to play it?"

Major:(Yes those idiots are utterly terrified by our presence, this should be easier than expected) "Yes! Lets their screams of Fear and Anguish by heard by all!"

-Speakers start playing-

Don't want to be an American idiot.  
Don't want a nation under the new mania  
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?  
The subliminal mind fuck America.

Major: "Wheres the screams of and anguish!? And whats this terrifying sound?!"

Schroedinger(Holding Ears): "Make it Stop!"

Back at Kaiju HQ

Kaiju,Grid,Scar and wolf are rocking out

Kaiju: "You guys want it louder?!"

Grid,Scar and Wolf: "Yes!"

Kaiju: "Sweet!"-turns volume on high-

Back at the Zeppelin

Speakers: -Booming-

Welcome to a new kind of tension.  
All across the alien nation.  
Where everything isn't meant to be okay.  
Television dreams of tomorrow.  
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.  
For that's enough to argue.

Well maybe I'm the faggot America.  
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.  
Now everybody do the propaganda.  
And sing along to the age of paranoia.

Zeppelin: Starts to explode

Major: "Failed Again!"

Zeppelin explodes and crashes into the sea.

Major: -while floating on zeppelin debris- "Damn you Kaiju! I swear this is the last misfortune to befall Major Montana Max!"

a Eagle comes out of nowhere grabs him flys a few thousand feet and then drops him, gets zapped by lighting in mid air, Ghost of lockout(4) comes out of nowhere and sticks him with a plasma grenade and dissapears, the sticky abruptly explodes, then he lands in the water only to be eaten by Jaws.

Schroedinger: "Ironic Pwnage."

End Flash Back.

* * *

Seres Victoria(Appears out of nowhere): "Wait a Minute, You beat Millennium just by playing Guitar Hero?"

Kaiju: "Yup, Bastards never saw it coming."

Seres: "This guys good."

Alucard(Also appears out of nowhere):"Quiet Police woman, he isn't good...He is the best."

Wolf(on a cell phone): "Uhhh, Is this Acme? Oh, yeah I think I finally found Carmen Sandiego, Yes I'm sure, She's Standing right in front of Me! Okay good, your sending agents? Okay(Hangs up) (5)

-minutes later-

-The door explodes and Ivy and Max from Where on earth is Carmen Sandiego appears-

Ivy: "Carmen Sandiego! By order of Acme your coming with us!"-points to Alucard-

Alucard: "Huh?"

Integra: ?!

Seres: WTF?!

L:-Absent Minded-

Grid: "Okay that was random."

Wolf: 'Whistles innocently'

Scar: -Paranoid of Christmas critters-

Kaiju: (wondering how to see Seres in a DID scene)-Drinks Pepsi-

John: -Being to bad ass to be distracted-

The Acme Organization thought they finally found Carmen Sandiego...A lot of people died that day.

Alucard(cleans blood off of mouth and shoes)

-Acme Agents lie dead on the floor either of bullets or blood loss.-

L: "Since there are no more distractions i think it is time to get to the business at hand."

Plz read and Review

Notes: 1: The fourth wall is basically law were the character in staory cant be aware its a fictional character, a prime example of breaking this is Deadpool from marvel comics who thinks he's a comic book character.(No one believes him off course) and most Shitty Yaoi fan fics where the authors add their self inserts to fall in love with (Insert character name here).

2:South Park Reference

3: In AVP R the Predalien Creates Chest bursters Via sticking its toungue down a womans mouth resulting in multiple chest bursters Ala Mouth Rape.

4: The Ghost of Lockout, Halo 2 Ghost reference.(people who are fans of halo will get it)

5: Alucards clothes look strangely like carmen sandiego's

6: L is Dead, however since im also ripping off bleach he's a Soul reaper(Shinigami) Light's an Espada.

I love the randomness of this chapter it was fun.


End file.
